Love Languages and the Longing to Be Understood
At Stillpoint, we talk a lot about connection - how we long for it, how we protect ourselves from it, and how our past experiences shape the ways we show up in relationship. One framework that can help us better understand ourselves and those we care about is the idea of love languages.
You’ve probably heard of them:
Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Receiving gifts
Quality time
Physical touch
These were originally outlined by Dr. Gary Chapman as five primary ways that people express and receive love. Some of us feel most cared for when someone says, “I’m here for you.” Others feel love in a hot cup of tea made without asking, or in quiet time spent together. For some, a hug or a hand on the shoulder communicates more than words ever could.
Love languages offer a simple entry point into something really tender: how we experience being loved, and what it stirs up when we don’t.
The Layers Beneath
What’s often not talked about is how complicated this can feel. Maybe you crave words of affirmation, but find yourself brushing them off or mistrusting them. Maybe touch feels comforting with one person and overwhelming with another. Maybe you give and give through acts of service, but don’t feel like anyone really sees you.
These patterns don’t come out of nowhere. They’re shaped by our histories: how love was expressed (or not expressed) in our families, what was modeled for us, what we were taught to expect, and what we learned to live without. Sometimes, we don’t even know what we want because we’ve spent so much of our lives focused on giving instead of receiving.
At Stillpoint, we work with a lot of folks who are trying to make sense of these patterns, with compassion, not judgment. It's okay if your love language feels confusing or unfamiliar. It’s okay if you’re just beginning to ask the question: What kind of care actually feels good to me?
Beyond the Categories
Like any framework, love languages aren’t everything. They’re a starting point, not a full picture. They can shift over time, and you might relate to more than one, or none at all.
What matters most is your experience of connection. What feels genuine? What feels performative? Where do you come alive in relationship, and where do you shut down?
Some reflection questions to sit with:
When do I feel most loved or seen?
What kind of care do I naturally offer others?
What do I secretly wish someone would do or say for me?
Where do I feel misunderstood?
You might bring these questions into your journal, into conversation with someone you trust, or into therapy. You don’t have to figure it all out at once. It’s okay to be in process.
Love as a Practice
Love isn’t just a feeling. It’s something we do. It’s in how we listen, how we show up, and how we care for one another in the ordinary moments. It’s also in the courage it takes to say, This is what I need, or That didn’t feel good, or Can we try again?
At Stillpoint, we believe that you deserve relationships where your love is received and where your needs matter. Whether you’re learning how to ask for more, how to soften into care, or how to rebuild trust after hurt, you don’t have to do it alone.
You are worthy of love that feels real, mutual, and kind.
Want support exploring how you give and receive care in your relationships? Or are you seeking couples therapy for you and your partner?
We’re here for that. Reach out to connect with a therapist at Stillpoint Therapy Collective.